That long strip of material that we men are obliged to wrap tightly around our neck and squeeze to the point of nearly, but not quite, cutting off all blood supply to the brain.
I have two offices in my current role. One requires me to wear a tie and the other doesn't. At the tie-office it doesn't matter what job you do - finance, marketing, customer service - you are not complete until you attempt to hang yourself with a dangerous piece of cloth which, if it got caught on a hook as you rush from one meeting to the next, would cause your legs to go flying and you'd land flat on your back like a cartoon character. By wearing a tie you will be able to do you job better. And when men from outside come to the office wearing their own ties you will be able to look at each other in a spirit of brotherhood and say "yes, we are men of ties. Respect, my tie-wearing brethren."
At the non-tie-office it doesn't matter what job you do - finance, marketing, customer service - you are not complete until you strip down to your neck, brazenly flaunting your adams apple for all to see, causing young ladies to faint at the sight of it bobbing up and down as you talk. By not wearing a tie you will be able to do your job better. And when men from outside come to visit, naked from the neck up, you will be able to hug each other with cries of "hey, you hip, young, non-tie-wearing dude. Rock on, buddy!"
Oh, no. I've just realised that wearing a non-tie is as much a uniform as wearing a tie. Is there no escape?
Perhaps I can find a third way. Wearing nothing but a tie.