Am I alone in the land in being terrorised daily by the BBC? As the nation's public broadcaster I feel it is incumbent on Auntie to be more responsible to minorities such as myself who suffer from PIPhobia rather than leaving me with sweaty palms and a pumping heart-rate practically EVERY MORNING!
I refer of course to the PIPs.
Whenever I listen to the Today Programme on BBC Radio 4 I dread the clock ticking towards 9am. I enjoy "Thought for the day" especially if we are treated to the great Lionel Blue. I relish the ritual skewering of slippery politicians as the loincloth-clad, spear wielding John Humphries creeps up on his prey.
But I feel the tension rise as we approach the dreaded hour. At 08:55 I debate whether to switch off the radio or tough it out. At 08:57 sweat breaks out on my brow as some waffling interviewee meanders around their answer with the clock ticking down. At 08:59 when Evan Davies decides to squeeze in one final question I have been known to scream at the radio in horror. What is he doing? And please God don't let it be Robert Peston who gets the final word.
At 08:59 for goodness sake! Can't they see the PIPs standing silently, menacingly, black cloaked just outside the studio. Can't they feel the terrifying presence of the Five plus The Great One, their chill breadth permeating the glass surrounds? You can't fight the PIPs. You can't.
And then. And then. In a desperate dash for the line Sarah Montague realising their dreadful mistake and in a cry for mercy and forgiveness screams "THAT'SALLWEHAVETIMEFOROUREDITORSWERE..." and with a smash of glass and the howling of banshees the Five plus The Great One burst into the studio, seizing control. Leaving silence. It is over. It is done. Fade to black.
I collapse back into my chair, spilling tea over myself. Dazed. Stressed. Heart pounding.
Today Programme, I beg of you. Glide us in gently. Reassure us. Don't fight the PIPs day in day out. They will win. Submit to their greater will and stop giving me a near heart attack every morning.