How good was your start in life?

Many years ago when I was a lazy good-for-nothing teenager whose top priority was seeking out the next bottle of beer and the odd cheeky cigarette, my father, in a fit of annoyance or possibly just stating an indisputable fact, said "if I had your start in life the sky would have been the limit".

It is a comment that has stuck with me over the years and may have made me feel guilty about wasting the start in life that I had been given (hah - his cunning plan worked!). It was a fair comment to be honest, and when I consider the start in life he had I have to admit that I don't think I would have achieved a tenth of what he did. On the other hand, I think I've done okay so far given the cards I was dealt and where I decided to play them.

Thirty years later, I find myself considering the start in life that my own children have had and how it compares to other young people today from more and less priviliged backgrounds and to my generation. Naturally, being a scientist by training I immediately had the desire to capture my thoughts in a formula, so that I could assign everyone a meaningless score and rank us all on a rather silly index.

Thus was born the Start In Life Index, whereby everyone has their own SILI Score that shows clearly where you are starting out from and how far ahead or behind the pace you are verses your peers.

The function underpinning my SILI Score is straightforward enough. It goes like this

SILI Score = f{IG, IC, NP1, NP2, EU, ES, CC1, CC2, PA}

The SILI score ranges from zero to 100. It is UK specific, geared towards young people just embarking on their careers post-education and it has all the validity of any other index that you might find in the average lifestyle magazine measuring your "snoggability" or your suitability as a cat owner.

If you score upwards of 90 then you have no possible excuse for not becoming a multi-millionaire banker, top City lawyer, head of the United Nations or a senior Government Minister. Achieve anything less and you have frittered away your amazing start in life. If you score 30 or less, then you are doing an incredible job just fighting your way past the closed, massed middle-class ranks who will, as a matter of course, be occupying all the middle ranking jobs.

So, let's get down to businesss.

The SILI Score is divided in to five categories

Inherent Features - things about you that you can't change. So deal with it.

Network - they say who you know matters. Well guess what, they are right!

Education - or as someone once said "education, education, education"

Cultural Capital - read a good book recently? Good. But don't forget to turn on the radio

Personal Attributes - Got that glint in your eye and fire in your belly? Hmmm...have you considered seeing a specialist?

Simply go through each category below, answering the question and allotting the appropriate number of points and hey presto, your SILI Score will emerge. For what it's worth mine was a modest 38 out of a possible 100.

Inherent Features

Gender - male 10 points

Gender - female 6 points

Colour - white 10 points

Colour - brown/other 6 points

Colour - black 2 points

Network/Who you know

Parents - have lots of millionaire/well connected mates 10 points

Parents - have a few millionaire/well connected mates 4 points

Personal - 20+ of your friends are in/starting professional jobs 6 points

Personal - 5+ of your close friends have millionaire/well connected parents 4 points

Education

University - Oxbridge 10 points

University - Other Russell Group 4 points

University - any UK 2 points

Secondary - Eton 10 points

Secondary - Other top public school 6 points

Secondary - Independent/good grammar 4 points

Cultural Capital

Sports - skiing 4 points

Sports - rugby 2 points

Sports - cricket 2 points

Sports - golf 2 points

Social - galleries & museums 4 points

Social - classical music 2 points

Social - regular foreign holidays 2 points

Social - familiarity with Radio 4 2 points

Personal Attributes

Strong communication in Queens English 4 points

Persistence 4 points

Ambition 4 points

Speaks one of French, German, Spanish, Mandarin 4 points

Can walk in, look anyone in the eye and shake hands confidently 4 points

As you will see by skimming through the choice of proxies and scores, this whole index says more about how I think British society works than anything else. It says interesting (I think) and probably controversial things about my beliefs such as

• in the UK, your gender and colour are still strong factors in the early stages of your career and its not as simple as being white or black. I'm afraid it is a bit easier being mixed in Briton today than being black (I wonder if this is controversial or obvious? I guess I am about to find out!)
• your parents network of contacts carries as much weight as your own
• Oxbridge still stands out and grades are pretty irrelevant. A second class degree from Oxbridge in any subject easily trumps a first from any other University, except in very specific disciplines
• At secondary school level Eton is way above the rest, whether they like it or not, but once you get beyond a handful of other schools (Westminster, both St Pauls', Harrow perhaps) no-one else really counts
• your kid can play all the football they like. It doesn't count. Rugby, skiing, cricket is where you build lifelong friendships that will matter ten years later. If you play golf, it's because Father does and you're playing at his club, so you're sorted, mate.
• you can go and visit museums and so on, but if you don't have Radio 4, The Archers and The Shipping Forecast wafting around your house in the background, the cultural capital that matters isn't going to sink in to your bones
• it's not enough to be a confident talker. You are going to have to work on your accent. The more you sound "Home Counties middle class" the better set you will be

So, there you have it. The SILI Score is a foolproof way of measuring how good your or anyone else's start in life is. It's not silly at all. Oh no, not at all. Not at all. And if only I'd started out with a score in the high 80's I might have made something of myself.

Are jeans smart casual?

Here's a question for you. Do black denim trousers count as smart casual?

I think they do. Some of my colleagues think they don't.

Today I am wearing proper black shoes, black socks, black underwear, a light blue button up shirt with cufflinks, no tie, a beige jacket and black DENIM trousers. I think I look smart and casual. I feel smart and casual. Therefore I AM smart and casual.

But apparently I am wearing jeans. Therefore I am not dressed for real work. Never mind that I am negotiating multimillion pound deals, structuring complex projects, trying to hire brilliant people. I can't be serious because I'm wearing jeans.

I heard a phrase recently "casual dress, casual attitude". It was delivered as if it was fact, and was received with approving nods. I listened with disbelief. Some of the laziest, most political, work-shy, hang-your-suit-jacket-on-the-back-of-your-chair-so-it-looks-like-you-are-still-at-work people I know have been hard core suit and tie merchants. No smart casual for them. Strictly proper business attire. Some of the most creative, driven, passionate, innovative, won't go home, work through the night people I know have been the scruffiest people you'll meet.

I fall somewhere in between. I am a smart casual guy. I will force myself in to a suit and tie if I have to, for a Board meeting for example or for a client meeting if I know that its a strictly suit wearing culture. But that's about it. Around any office I work in I'm smart casual at best.

But what is smart casual? Well, here's a pretty good definition. Yep, that'll do it for me. And in the definition I choose, black denim trousers count as smart casual. So, I'll keep wearing them until one of my courageous colleagues decides that they have nothing better to do than to try to educate me in how to dress in a way that stops me from having such a casual attitude. Then I'll switch to wearing a dress instead.

Casual dress, casual attitude, indeed!

Referring to yourself in the third person

Is it weird to speak about oneself in the third person? Tom doesn't think so. But clearly his colleagues do.

It is that time of the month when Board reports have to be produced and Tom always writes his own reports as he assumes that every word is carefully poured over and analysed. So he thinks carefully about the message and chooses every word deliberately.

This month, Tom wanted to make a particularly clear point about what he thought we should do next. But he also wanted to make it clear that it was his view and not necessarily his colleagues view. He thought about saying "I think this..." but he decided that it would not look professional in a Board report to say "I think this, I think that...". He thought abut saying "The view is this..." but decided that merely invited the question "who holds that view?"

So he plumped for "Tom believes that we should do xyz.... Tom feels that we should.....". Satisfied with his handiwork, Tom sent off his beautifully crafted Board report and went off to bed.

Imagine his surprise when the Big Boss turned to him in the meetings and said "so, Tom, look me in the eye and confess, who actually writes your Board reports?"

"I do" Tom replied indignantly causing much unwarranted hilarity amongst his colleagues. Tom couldn't tell whether they were laughing because they didn't believe him or because they thought it was weird to refer to oneself in the third person, or just because they were taking cruel delight in his discomfort.

But Tom did write the report. He did refer to himself in the third person. And he doesn't think there is anything weird about that at all. Gollum does it all the time and Tom is a hard core Lord of the Rings fan. What's good enough for Smeagol is good enough for Tom. Isn't it my precious? Yes, yes it is, my dears. Oh yes. Not weird at all.

Welcome to Noddle

About eight months ago I joined Callcredit, the credit reference agency, in a new role to revolutionise their consumer offering by launching a fresh, innovative new venture under the Callcredit umbrella.

It has been a fascinating journey so far, starting with consumer research and market analysis, developing propositions, more consumer research and testing, brand development, technology build, convincing money men to put up the considerable funding required, briefing opinion formers, regulators and the media and finally after lots and lots of effort we have got there.

Tomorrow (Thursday) we are announcing our new service, Noddle that will have a big impact on our market and will tilt the balance firmly in favour of the consumer. I am a huge believer that individuals should gain more and more access to their own personal data, wherever it is held, and should be able to leverage that information to their own advantage. You will see me getting more active and vocal about that.

If you are wondering why Noddle, it's because we went down the path of exploring how you as a consumer can use your credit report in a positive way to your advantage. Be smart. Use your head. Use your noddle.

(If you think it should be "use your noodle" you are probably a southern softy. Up North, my colleagues tell me, the correct phrase is Use Your Noddle).

I am really proud and excited. Those of you who have started new ventures know that there is nothing like the moment when you create something new, step out into the world and say "here we are".

Well, here we are.

Noddle: Go use your credit rating

I'm good at failing

This week I have been doing presentations across the company telling my colleagues about the new venture that I am about to launch. Seven presentations to hundreds of people in three locations over three days. It was tiring but very useful, both to give me a chance to practice my "pitch" and also to work out answers to all the tricky questions.

One question that made me smile was along the lines of "Tom, this is all very exciting but what happens if it all falls flat on its face?"

The simple answer was, of course, that I will be polishing my CV (headhunters stand by...) but I think the real question was "how would you cope with catastrophic failure?"

The answer to that is simple too. I will cry with pain, agony and fury and then I will bounce back.

As a start-up guy you know that you will face failure. And I'm not talking about marginal under performance. I'm talking about big fat, lying in the mud face down failure. The question is, can you drag yourself up, with the smart boys sitting safely on a fence on the other side of the road pointing at you and laughing? Can you drag yourself up, look the world straight in the eye with confidence, wipe the mud off your shirt, notice that the mud tastes good and set up a new business selling mud pies?

Well, I have a good technique. When I fall flat on my face, I cry like a baby. Then I get up, brush the dirt off my shoulder and move on to the next challenge. That doesn't mean I put those failures out of my mind, but I learn from them and they stop me from ever getting complacent.

Some people try to put failures out of their mind and write them out of their history. I have met executives and entrepreneurs who, to listen to them you would think nothing had ever gone wrong in their entire life. But not me. My big fat failures are part of my story and I enjoy them now (not so much at the time). When I experience failure these days I can look back on these episodes and think to myself "I bounced back from that one, I can bounce back from this one."

So, here are some of my choice failures. Point and laugh, people, point and laugh. And next time you fail at something and think the whole town's laughing at you, say "Well, at least I don't look as stupid as that Ilube bloke."

No Snogging for you, lad

Wind back about 40 years. I'm in primary school coming back on the train from a school trip. In those days some trains had corridors with compartments that could seat six. Somehow I had ended up in the compartment with some of the "cool kids". I knew them all of course but I wasn't really one of them. Two boys and three girls. At some point the question of "snogging" came up.

After some discussion it was decided that we should pair up and commence kissing, until a teacher came. Two pairs immediately formed, but the third girl, who happened to be the prettiest girl in the class decided that I was unsnoggable. I sat quietly whilst my snoggability was debated. Who would. Who wouldn't. Finally it was decided that I just didn't make the cut so after a short selection exercise I was sent off to creep up and down the carriage, leaving the giggling gaggle behind, looking for the chosen one and tell him that he had to hotfoot to my carriage to be snogged by the prettiest girl in the class. He was very pleased and thanked me profusely.

But the happy ending to that story is....oh hold on. There isn't one. That's it. Fail. Cry. Bounce back. Move on. (Therapists - is this why groups of giggling girls make me break out in a cold sweat?).

#fail !

McJob Hunting

About 30 years ago I started job hunting. It was a difficult time to look for jobs, much like today actually. Recession. Lots of new graduates. A hundred applicants for each job. But I was a hard core job hunter. A one man personal recruitment agency. I applied to hundreds of companies. I laughed at rejections. I once applied five times to the same company until the European HR Director personally called me and said "Tom, you do not fit our profile so however many times you apply we will not offer you a job." I thanked her kindly, waited a couple of weeks and applied again :)

Anyway at one point, I spotted an opportunity for management trainees at McDonalds. I thought "surely I can't fail at this one". I applied and got an interview! Hurray. The interview seemed to go well but the next step was a "field trial". I was sent off to work for two days in a branch of McDonalds. I served large fries, flipped burgers, swept the street out front, told people that I had never met before to "have a nice day" and wore a funny shirt. But despite all this, a couple of days later I got a letter thanking me for my time, explaining that competition was very high and on this occasion McDonalds would not be taking my application forwards.

How can that be? Am I really the only black man in the world who can't get a job at McDonalds? Damn. If I had succeeded surely I could be a branch manager by now? Oh, well. Fail. Cry. Bounce back. Move on.

#fail !

Dialling for Dollars

In my time as a start-up guy I have pitched for investment over and over again. I would guess that I must have pitched to several hundred people. But as I keep telling people, you only need one to say yes. Getting turned down is par for the course here. I would think nothing of pitching 50-100 times to get to one "yes" and when I hear guys starting out complaining that they have done five presentations already and no-one has written a cheque I feel sorry for them.

That doesn't mean all rejections feel the same. Sometimes you really want to get a certain investor on board, you put your heart and soul in to it and you still get a big fat NO.

My worst experience of this was with a West Coast VC. I had been tracking these guys for years, not being too pushy. Building the relationship. Biding my time. Then the opportunity came up. I was in email dialogue with one of the partners, telling him that I was working on something pretty exciting. He said "hey, Tom, next time you are in the Valley swing by and pitch". I'm in!!! I seize the moment and say "How about tomorrow afternoon?". He's a bit taken aback but say okay.

So I dash to Heathrow. Grab a flight to San Francisco. Work on my presentation through the flight. Hire a car. Drive down Route 101. Get to the big boys office. Put my Game Face on. Turned my Swagga up to level 11 and walked in.

Five minutes in to my pitch. the big boys say "Hey, Tom. Let's stop you there. This is of no interest to us. Thanks for stopping by. See Yah".

Wow! I've had some knock backs. But that was a tough one. On this occasion I did actually go and sit on a bench in sunny San Fran, put my head in my hands and shed a tear. But then I heaved myself up. Shook it off. Came back to the UK and threw myself into pitching, pitching, pitching until I had raised the money I wanted to drive my business forwards.

Because that's how we roll. Fail. Cry. Bounce back. Move on.

#fail !

Alls well that ends well

I'm a planner. I come up with schemes, plans, strategies. Plan A. Plan B, Plan C. So failure never takes me completely by surprise. Even when it hits me hard, I have probably considered the possibility and run through the scenario in my mind.

Exception on one occasion.

Tunisia. Nearly 20 years ago. Hot, hot African Sahara sun. Lovely girlfriend. Diamond ring. Honourable intentions. Everything as I planned.

Me: Marry me?

She: Errr, no thanks.

Me: Oh. Ah. Okay. I didn't expect that.

#fail !

Fail. Cry. Bounce back. But in this case, not "move on". Just to show that all my failures don't end in disaster, I am happy to report that Me and She eventually got married (I can be quite persistent) and nearly 20 years later are still happily married with lovely kids and a great life. I do tend to bring this up from time to time though and She does tend to roll her eyes and heave a tired sigh.

So, people, fail. Fail fast. Fail hard. Cry. Bounce back. Move on and go on to do great things and live a happy life.

Or balance yourself carefully on the fence, point, laugh at us risk takers and be very,very careful that you don't really try anything because that way you can be certain that you will never really fail at anything.

Mid-life crisis

As I prepare for my mid-life crisis, I have been doing some research to try to understand what goes on with men of my age so that I know where to direct my energies.

After all if I have to buy a sports car and drive around with my top off winking at ladies I am going to need to develop my abs (whatever they are) and shine the top of my head. Also I need to choose a car.

I don't know whether a mid-life crisis is compulsory or optional. I have been assuming that it is compulsory and the only optionality is timing. Which is just as well as I am very busy at the moment and would struggle to fit typical mid-life crisis activities in to my busy schedule.

In any case, what are these mid-life crisis activities? I understand that sports cars are an important ingredient, but I don't really know much about cars and I hate wasting money so do I really have to buy one, or perhaps I can rent one?

Also what about the girlfriends? That is not an area of expertise for me. In my experience (admittedly limited to my teenage years) they tend to giggle at your long neck, glasses and bow legs and are best avoided.

I suppose I could do something dangerous. Wrestle with an alligator? Swim with sharks? Throw myself out or a plane? I'm scared of heights. To be honest I'm a bit of a scaredy cat and wouldn't these things be a bit, well...dangerous?

Run a marathon? Too much effort. 400km bike ride? Might fall off and hurt myself. Learn a new language? I tried that once. Japanese. Spent ages and only learnt how to say "toothpaste" and "ministry of education".

To be honest, I think the whole thing is just too much effort. I don't think I'll bother with one of these mid-life crisis things that makes you take on all sorts of impossible challenges just to prove that your life isn't over and done with and you've still got something to offer the world before you are consigned to the wastebin. I will stick to launching major new companies, creating multimillion pound schools and founding pan-African educational charities. Oh...

Preparing for take off

I love launching new companies. It's exciting and scary at the same time.

And now I am weeks away from launching another major new venture. It's got to the stage when everyone's heart starts to beat a bit faster and your palms becomes a bit clammy as you realise that the months of effort and planning are about to be exposed to the world.

We have been working on this new venture for nearly nine months.

We started by reviewing the market and conducting extensive consumer research. We made no assumptions about what direction the venture would take. We wanted to be driven by what consumers were telling us and the opportunities in the marketplace.

A proposition started to emerge and we kept testing it with consumers, in small, qualitative research groups. We tuned the proposition, focusing on what we were being told and we started to narrow down our target market.

We decided we needed a new consumer brand and went through a fun process of creating the brand. Three great brands emerged. We tested them with our target market and were left with two options. It was a tough decision but we made our choice and have ended up with a brand that will stand out in our market.

Meanwhile, we were going through cycle after cycle of business planning, presenting to the money men, refining the model, cutting out cost, reducing risk until we felt we had a model that works.

We put together a small, expert development team alongside one of the best user experience designers in London and they worked flat out to bring the proposition to life.

Now we are nearly ready. There is still a ton of stuff to be done .We have To Do Lists as long as your arm. But we've picked our date and we will be ready to go.

We will work and work and work and then it will go quiet. The calm before the storm.

And then we'll launch.

How far would you go to meet Wills & Kate?

How far would you go to see Prince William and Kate Middleton?

I know how far I would go. 230 miles exactly according to Google Maps.

I know this because a few weeks ago I was invited to the opening of a school in Darwen. Being very busy I wasn't sure I would be able to go but when I was told that William and Kate would be opening the school I polished my shoes and the top of my head and set off to see them. This was, after all, their final pre-wedding engagement and therefore the closest I would get to the Royal Wedding.

Given that I am willing to jump on a train and travel 230 miles to look at William and Kate at very close quarters I have concluded that I am a die-hard Royalist or possibly a Loyalist. I thought I might be a Cavalier but having searched the web to check what it means I'm not so sure any more.

In fact I am collecting Royals. So far I have ticked off Prince William, Prince Edward, Prince Andrew and Princess Anne. I need to get Prince Charles and the Queen to get a full set. Then I get a special Royalist Stalker prize.

My favourite film

Recently I was involved in a "get to know each other" exercise with a new team. We each had to fill in a form answering some questions and then we had to guess which set of answers belonged to which person.

After the event I reflected on my answers and wonder what impression the other folk made of me based on my answers. What do you think?

WHAT IS THE FIRST EVER DOWNLOAD/CD/TAPE/RECORD YOU BOUGHT?

Ballroom Blitz by Sweet. I'm a glam rock child of early 70's London. I knew all the words to this song.

FAVOURITE SONG?

That's pretty obvious. Mr Bojangles by Sammy Davis Jr.

FAVOURITE HOBBY?

I don't really have hobbies. I read, watch a few films, watch lots of rugby but my main hobby is Tai Chi.

FAVOURITE DISH?

Sausage and mash. I wish I didn't have to keep going out to posh meals. I also accept pie and mash.

FAVOURITE FILM?

Has to be the one and only Bladerunner. "I've...seen...things". What a scene. What a film.

FAVOURITE TRAVEL DESTINATION?

So many places. So many choices. But I went with San Francisco. I just like the city and get a bit excited whenever I have a reason to visit.

WORST EVER FASHION FAUX PAS?

Well, I used to have a bright white suit that I used to wear with a purple shirt and purple shoes. I also had a purple suit that I wore with a white shirt and white shoes. Both combinations with afro and dark glasses of course. Thankfully pre-digital camera days so I don't think there are any photos out there. But this was in the 70's so I think I was actually very cool at the time.

So I have to go with the time I went out wearing brown corduroy trousers and a brown corduroy jacket. Top to toe cords. It wasn't my finest fashion moment.

THREE WORDS THAT DESCRIBE YOU

1) Wierd

2) Passionate

3) Loyal

(I asked my wife and son what three words best described me and they both said "wierd" without even thinking about it!)

THREE THINGS ABOUT YOU. TWO ARE TRUE, ONE IS NOT. GUESS THE FALSE ONE

a) I once played James Bond in a film

b) I once played rugby on national TV

c) I met Prince William and Katherine

I think its fair to say that after reading these answers you pretty much know everything there is to know about me!

School report: Could do better.

I attended Parents Evening at my son's school last week. Like many fathers of young teenage boys, one approaches these things with a degree of caution. And sure enough, teacher after teacher leant back in their chair with the words "Ahhhhh, so you are his Dad. Right, let's see..."

The general conculsion was that he is a "teenage boy".

When I got home, I sat the lad down and droned on for an hour in a fatherly way about the need to focus, work hard etc. Then I decided to impress him by showing him my school report from when I was exactly the same age.

That's where it all started to go wrong.

Or possibly that's where it all started to go right.

It turns out I was also a "teenage boy". In fact when I read parts my report my wife could hardly tell which was mine and which was my son's.

So, to give hope to all you teenage boys out there (not that you actually bother reading at all at this stage) here is the report of a 13 year old boy who went on to get several degrees, build several companies, become a Fellow of the Royal Society of Arts, present alongside Bill Gates, be invited to attend Davos and do one or two decent things (I think) in education. So, parents, have hope. If your son's report looks anything like mine, all is not lost.

English: 66% Thomas works well with enthusiasm and intelligence. He is always willing to take place in class discussions

(where is my classic story about the potato? A masterpiece.)

Maths: 56% Tom works very hard when the work interests him. If he concentrated on the harder parts he could do better.

(I loved maths and loved the maths teacher. Made me feel special. Best teacher of my life. Wish I could remember her name)

Science: 31% Tom is a very capable lad but he is a great source of distraction to others and resents rebuke very strongly and spends a lot of lesson time sulking. A pity

(How ironic. I was actually always fascinated by science and went on on to get a degree in Applied Physics. But I really didn't get on with that science master. It was war every day.)

History: 61% Shows interest. Good project work.

Geography: 67% Work standard generally but not always good.

French: Grade A. A vast improvement since last year. 4th in group

(The result, I'm afraid, of a pretty French teacher replacing the old bloke we had the year before. Sorry. I was a teenage boy.)

Physical Education: Grade B. Unfortunately a change in Tom's attitude has retarded his progress. He continues to be an outstanding all round sportsman.

(Readers, please note: "Outstanding all round sportsman" :) But did he just say "retarded"? Can you write that in school reports??)

Music: Grade C. A capable but moody individual. Effort very variable

Drama: Thomas is very good in this subject, particularly where there is any movement involved.

(I am very proud of having been "Young Johnny Jones" in the school play. Although I didn't like it when they made me "black up". I refused to go on stage.)

Art: Grade A-. Has talent in this subject

(Hold on, capable in music, very good in drama, talent in art. Why did I end up as a computer geek?)

Metal work: Grade B. Has shown keeness and above average ability in this subject

(Do they still do metal work? We made some dangerous implements in that class, some of which were put to work in the playground...)

Form Teacher Summary: Thomas works well and in general has improved. But if he causes distraction to other in the class his work will suffer in the end. He must learn to concentrate a little harder and put maximum effort into his work.

(Improved! Gosh, I must have been really bad the year before)

Section Head Summary: Good work standard but I am concerned about his immature behaviour which is distracting others from working in some subjects. CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE IN SCIENCE!

So there you have it, warts and all. And calm down about the science - I did change my attitude! To be honest, most of the work was trivially easy so I felt my main duty at school was to make the lives of anyone who sat near me as entertaining as possible. I hope life worked out for the poor souls who sat next to me (sorry guys, wherever you are !)

Mind you, this is all an improvement on my report aged 7 from primary school which included the legendary phrase "Can be rather slyly naughty". Moi? Never!

A little haiku

Shaken from slumber

Screams fury at her children.

Cold blanket brings sleep

Do you have a mentor?

Mentoring is on my mind at the moment. I have just been invited to be guest speaker at an awards event for a national mentoring scheme, and I sometimes get asked whether I will be a mentor myself. I am also trying to help organise a mentoring programme for students at the new Academy that I chair.

I have never really had a mentor as such, not in a formal sense, and I feel I suffered from lack of a mentor at times, particularly early in my career. But I think in a way I have always had informal mentors. Individuals who I have looked up to, listened to, watched and learnt from. A nudge here. An eyebrow raised there. It all adds up to a mentoring relationship.

Personally I am not a great formal mentor. The formalised process of meeting regularly to listen and dispense advice doesn't fit with me personally and I really admire people who are able to give of themselves in this way. I would feel under such pressure in that situation to say something profound and meaningful that the responsibility would be too much. Or I would say something that sounds like common sense to me, the mentee takes it as if it was a blinding insight and then I would feel like a fake who is only inches away from being found out.

But I think I am quite a good informal mentor, if you can call it that. I am always happy to have one-off, ad hoc meetings with people, over a cup of coffee, to listen and share my experience. I try not to say what the other person "should" do (I hate "should's"). I try to give him or her another perspective to add to the various perspectives that they have already. I invite them to use whatever they find useful and cast aside the rest. If they use none of what I've said but my input helps them get clear that the choice they were going to make anyway is definitely the right one for them, then that's fine with me too.

I think the worst kind of mentor is the one who is very directional. You "should" do this. You "must" go that way. Or the mentor who pretends to be impartial and open but is actually quite manipulative and guides the mentee in the direction that they "should" go, deriving feelings of satisfaction out of their subtle skills. I have certainly encountered (and suffered at the hands of) that type of person before I woke up to what was going on.

The advice I tend to give to young people when approaching someone about being a mentor is not to start by going straight for the jugular. Finding a good mentor is like Big Game Hunting. The person you are approaching is busy (probably) and gets asked a lot to be a mentor (probably) and generally graciously declines (probably).

So you have a sales job to do - AIDA - awareness, interest, desire, action. Does your targer mentor know you exist? If you pop up from nowhere with an email and say "hi, I am no-one you have ever heard of but please mentor me" then you will be lucky if you even get a response. Target-mentor has to know you exist first.

Then, what is is about you that Target would be interested in? What have you done that's relevant to their life? Have you done anything useful for the Target, or do you just want to take from them? I operate on the 3:1 rule. I must do three useful things for you before asking you to do one useful thing for me. Is Target interested in you?

Only then start to create some desire in Target for the idea that he might want to assist you. Has Target watched your development? Does Target feel part of your journey? Are you at a stage where you could do with a bit of help and Target feels like they want to help because they have a stake in your success?

Now you can move to action. Only ever ask Target for a quick coffee, never to "be my mentor". Target hates commitment. Target likes to help. So ask for 30 mins for a coffee so that you can bounce a fe thoughts off them and get some input. Don't ask for a long term mentoring relationship. If you have a good first coffee (and by the way, in that meeting, do you do something, anything useful for Target or did you jsut take from them?) then Target might say "if you fancy catching up again at some stage, let me know". When Target says that, don't whip your diary out and schedule six more two hour sessions. Casually say "sure that would be great, I'll get in touch". Then leave it two weeks (don't be a stalker and email the same evening!) and suggest a date for a coffee in 3 months time.

Remember, you are never too old or senior to have a mentor. But the same rules apply. It is a drain on the mentor to mentor you, and they want flexibility so you take your time and build a relationship.

In fact all that talk of mentors makes me feel like I want one! Right, time to identify a Target and go hunting. I wonder if they'll spot me coming.

Is Rastamouse the new Gollywog?

Have you heard of Rastamouse? Neither had I. Until I heard that a friend of mine had called in to a phone-in radio show to complain about this cartoon character and many others had written to the BBC asking for it to be taken off air. Not to mention the middle class mums on networking sites debating the dangers or otherwise of the dreaded Rastamouse.

Rastamouse is a cool, black mouse dude, dripping with stereotypes, who apparently is very popular with the under fives on CBBC. He is a laid back rastafarian mouse detective who speaks in patios, loves his "cheese" (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) and has a bunch of cool black stereotypical mouse friends. Where's the harm in that and why are people gettng so hot under the collar about dear old cool, black stereotypical rastamouse (after all are we black people not all cool, laid back stereotypical fellows? In fact some of my best friends are cool, black and stereotypical. I'm not racist).

I think what is happening is that black people of a certain age (i.e. my age) are wincing at the playground experience that must surely follow from the widespread popularity of Rastamouse. Whenever you get a new, cool black character on TV (or a white character pretending to be a black character) then as sure as night follows day you will get white kids in playgrounds renaming their black friends accordingly.

In my day it was the friendly old Gollywog. A lovely black character. I even had a gollywog of my very own. I had a gollywog and a wheelbarrow although at the time I used to say I had a "wheelwog and a gollybarrow". I collected gollywog badges with pride. I am still strangely fond of gollywogs, apart from the fact that I have been called Golly, Gollywog, Woggy so many times now that I've kind of gone off the character a bit. Then of course you've got good old Chalky, or Kunta Kinte (who hasn't been called Kunta Kinte eh? You've got to laungh), or the various Lenny Henry characters over the years.

So now a new generation of young black people get to be called Rastamouse until they come to hate the nice little mouse and lodge it away in their subconscious ready to dredge up in a blog post in years to come. And the good folk at the BBC who thought him up (what on earth were they thinking? Did someone say "hmmm, playgrounds are a bit light on racial banter these days. Anyone got any ideas?") don't even realise that they are continuing a long tradition of causing unintended pain to little me as my best friend starts shouting across the playground "hey, little Tommy, hey Wa'gwan Rastamouse? Want some cheese mon? Hahahahah" and everyone, including me, burst into laughter (because you've got to laugh haven't you? It's only a little racial
banter. No big deal. Why is everyone so sensitive about it. I mean, for goodness sake, come on)

Mind you black kids today shouldn't complain. In my day we had proper, high grade Class A racial banter in the playground. Who doesn't remember having 20 kids standing around you in a circle chanting that inspiring song

"Hey Tom

Wogs the matter?

Feeling a bit Browned off?

Didn't have your Coon-flakes?

Nigger mind

Go Black to bed

You'll feel all White in the morning"

Ah, those were the days. The good old Seventies. You've got to laugh. Hahahaha. Wa'gwan, Rastamouse.